ramboling Future confusion

i don't have any Hopes, or even real plans at this point. like most Seniors i suppose, i am Confused and unSure. my "Future" looms ahead. they Say this is the next Big Step. it Could be described as such, but i believe this past Spring/Summer, this Change, has been a bigger "Step" in my Life than graduation could possibly be. Life is Life until you Die. highschool is not life-prep. there is no such thing. any Moment could be the next Big "step". you don't need school boards or social systems to tell you when your life will Change or stay the same. It could be graduation or It could be the week before midterms, or spring break, or some random day the middle of the year. Life is Lived everyday. it does not Start in highschool, after graduation, at prom, or in college. Life begins in the womb, becomes hard with the first Breath and only gets easy with the Last. every Moment in between is an opportunity to Grow, to Change, to Live. and yet plans are still somewhat required, or at very least Strongly advised.
plans used to be my Forte. i loved Making plans, creating dayDreams and writing them out. But constantly they went Wrong. nothing came close to what my Imagination created. Several years back i stopped trying. i had one overall, vague plan then. Graduate, go to college for zoological sciences, become an animal Conservationist. that was the go to answer, the life plan. for a while i had a impassioned plan- Die as soon as possible and screw the rest. that sort of Dampened the graduation thing. the newest development was Italy. for almost a year now it has been in the works. after graduation, before college, on my own. that was the idea. an Idea i loved, sought, and pushed for, but fed no Hope. then it became more Real when my parents made a Deal with me. full-time private school for a couple touristy weeks with them in Italy as a graduation gift. if i wanted to stay i would have to find a program or group to join. since then i have been Looking for that way to Stay. i have found Nothing. now my mother is talking college, paying very little mind to all the times i said i wanted to take a year to Figure some Things out first. Italy is becoming another paper thin plan, growing hazy on the horizon as it gets closer, rather than growing Clearer. my plan was never a plan. it was and is an Idea. and sad to say, it may Always be so.

instance of Insomnia

i Wish i had Written earlier so that i could have Remembered my Dreams better, but, this Being the first day of school and All, i've Been busy.

Last night, naturally, i went to
bed with a million and three
different Things on my Mind. i
didn't expect much Sleep. all the
Things i needed to Remember,
all the things i Worried about,
stress, unSurity , anxiety, just the
very Idea- Reality- that i was
going Back. same people, same
place, same pain in the ass, but
completely Different me. so
much has Changed in the past
year. So much Change in the last
two months even. And now i
was going back. this Time for
the Whole nine-yards.
Consumed by all of this i was
Supposed to sleep. huh.i laid
Down at about 11:30. And then
it was 12. And then 12:30. Then
1. etc. i dont know when i
Finally fell unConcious, but even
in my unConciousness there was
no Rest. my Dreams restLessly
shifted around, Nothing staying
still, no consistent Story. yet in
them All nothing went right.
Something, even if i didn't
Know what it was, something
was Always *wrong*. there was
no Danger to those around me.
i Remember toddlers playing in
the four lane Road, my little
Brother being hit, but Somehow
still walking, a Sinister creep
plotting happily. Everything
kept Shifting and moving. First
i'm in the Road, then the car,
then Fighting, then Running.
eventually i Woke up, looked at
the Clock, and it was Almost 5
so, giving up on Sleep, i got up
and started getting ready to go.
And then i Woke up. Again. it
was about 3:30am i believe. i
just wanted This night to be
Over. i knew i was getting no
Rest, no Real sleep, and i knew
the Arduous, possibly
Confusing, stressful, day ahead
of me and it was Not going
Away. i tried again to Sleep, and
i dreamed. i awoke about 5 o'
clock and began to get ready,
actually Somewhat glad for the
extra Time. and Then i Woke
Up. AGAIN. it was Actually
about 5:15 this time. i just laid
there, Recuperating for awhile,
till my alarm went off at 5:30. i
got Up and prepared to Face the
day. It was gloomy, and Raining
moodily, i had a headAche and
no Sleep, but the Battle was not
going to go Away. i had to Face
it. so i did. and Now i'm dead...
-Tired.

cant lose Hope

The iron smell still clung to the air in that house. House. No, it was hardly a house at this point. House implies a habitable place, somewhere you might take shelter, possibly something familiar. No, this was no house. This was a crypt. The atmosphere itself appeared like a red haze before my eyes. I need to get out. I can’t leave her. But we have to escape. How am I supposed to get her out of here alive? There must be a way.

Through the silent dusk her slow and heavy breathing reached me. It is amazing how young children can escape into sleep so easily. It’s as if the escape from this horrible reality is so vital to the innocent that their little bodies demand it. I wish escape was so easy for the rest of us. The tainted… haunted. Though, I wouldn’t sleep now if my life depended on it. I’m probably the only teenager who wishes she shared a room with her baby sister. With both doors open and the whole crypt gravely silent, the comfort of her steady breathing was just audible from across the hall. I have to get her out.
The front door creaked.
He always seemed to be deaf to that creak, but it might as well be a fire alarm to me at this point. Just a moment, and the lock clicked into place. The low hum of his car could be heard driving way into the quickly approaching darkness. No doubt headed off to make “arrangements”. There will be no funeral. Her own daughters won’t even see her buried. That hit hard. I will never again know where she lays. Yet, even now, I still cannot cry. The tears just won’t come. They used to, but I doubt if they ever will again.
CLANG!

That’s the front gate. This may be our last chance. I bolted to her room and rushed to her side. It seemed a crime to wake her, but it wouldn’t be the first of the day, would it. She looked so fragile in her little white nighty, looking up at me with those big, red, blue eyes. She could still cry. Only six and so much cause for tears. She said nothing but took my hand and ran from the room with me. He locked the door, but there have been too many occasions to be somewhere other than here for that to stop me. There was a bus at the corner; a bus arrives there any minute now. All we have to do is get across the property, through the gate, and onto that bus. I had a plan now. The basement window is always overlooked. We slowed to avoid slipping as we splashed down the newly red stairs. Bare feet stumbling, she desperately clung to my hand. I quickly pushed the old wooden crate under the small opening.
CLANG!

He’s back! I was wrong. He must have just gone to get an alibi, or bleach. The window latch fumbled under my urgent fingers.
Humm.
Come on! One minute. Got it! Jumping down, I grabbed her small frame.
Creek!
Times up. Hastily I whispered in her ear “Run for the bus. Don’t look back!” As I shoved her up to the narrow opening, his outraged shout reached us and within seconds his filthy boots were pounding the wet stairs. She was half way through and he had me by the hair. He made a grab at her ankle and I lunge at his arm. I have to buy her time. Throwing me to the side, he turns to the stairs and I jump for his neck, digging my nails into his face.  As I cling for her dear life, I see her though the window hesitating for me. “Hope, RUN!” and she bolts. She is fast for her age. He rams me into the wall. Lights go off in my eyes. Now he has my neck. Yes, focus on me. She just needs a little time. His fist. Again, and again. White before my eyes. Fist. Knuckles. Red. Black.

title

i have many interesting thoughts[at least to me] that play around in my mind. Yet unless they Remain there, Hidden and to be Forgotten, they grow into Nothing. in my Mind they fill out Somewhat, grow and develop, run in all Directions and Deepen. however, If i should Catch one and start putting It down on paper, all Slips away except for a Shadow or barest Frame of the thing. Growth is stunted and the pen Fails me. what does this Mean i need to work on? i feel i can not Call myself a Writer if i then have no Writing to produce as Proof. none recent or Consistent that is. i Pray that this AP english class helps in this area, gets me writing that way. though, as always, Hope take no part.

Life still Lies in Wait

i suppose i have many Stories i could Write, many new Memories and Faces swirl around in my Mind. and yet i feel i Must first say a few Things.
i am a very Different person than the One that sat in this Place even just a few "Short" months ago. that fact has been thoroughly Confirmed by old Friends. howEver even despite all the Change i still struggle with many of the same things. same Sins. same Pains. and now, On top of those, new Challenges arise. Stresses, trials, Opportunities, and much Confusion. Yet, as i survey this Chaotic and crammed, minefield of Life set before me, i can Remember this. That it Has been set before me. there were no misTakes or misCommunications. whatEver He has put before me He has given me the Strength to accomplish. if the Spirit dwells Within us, then so does the His Immortal strength.
now if only i could convinced my headache and limbs of this.

isnt it amazing How you can have all the Things in the world on your Mind, and a million Things to do, and still End up doing Nothing.
it is as if i am Slowly learning to Not think. everyThing falls back into this Muddled fog and at Times i just simply Exist. as soon as i try to Focus in on one Thing everyThing else jumps out at me all at Once. so Not thinking is a Relief. unfortunatly i sort of Need to think to get anyThing done.
well, Life sucks and Then you die.

Tumultuous Pandumonium of Disturbed Mystification

MindFragment1: you don't really Like him, you just like that he Likes you. you are so Pathetic.

MindFragment2: you do Like him. just Give it some Time. stop Analyzing.

MindFragment3: you are too Scared to admit that you made a Mistake and now you are just Leading him on, Selfish-bitch.

MindFragment4: theSheila was unSure about lionBrother at first too. having two older Brothers, you have just never Seen the girl's side of It.

MindFragment5: you just like the Idea of it all. you want this Idea so much you can not See the Reality of it.

MindFragment6: you want this so much that you are convinced It's not Real, not going to work out. you are over analyzing It.

MindFragment7: He is Amazing, entirely Unique, fascinating, Loving, passionate, Wonderful. you really Like this guy.

MindFragment8: you just Know that you could Never do any better. He is Wonderful. there is something Wrong with you. have you so Crushed that part of you?

MindFragment9: SHUT THE HELL UP!
{9 is my favorite at the Moment}

MindFragments: *grumble, mummer, mumble*

[the Legions then yell WhiteNoise.]
Screw thinking at this point. screw being Productive.