ramboling Future confusion

i don't have any Hopes, or even real plans at this point. like most Seniors i suppose, i am Confused and unSure. my "Future" looms ahead. they Say this is the next Big Step. it Could be described as such, but i believe this past Spring/Summer, this Change, has been a bigger "Step" in my Life than graduation could possibly be. Life is Life until you Die. highschool is not life-prep. there is no such thing. any Moment could be the next Big "step". you don't need school boards or social systems to tell you when your life will Change or stay the same. It could be graduation or It could be the week before midterms, or spring break, or some random day the middle of the year. Life is Lived everyday. it does not Start in highschool, after graduation, at prom, or in college. Life begins in the womb, becomes hard with the first Breath and only gets easy with the Last. every Moment in between is an opportunity to Grow, to Change, to Live. and yet plans are still somewhat required, or at very least Strongly advised.
plans used to be my Forte. i loved Making plans, creating dayDreams and writing them out. But constantly they went Wrong. nothing came close to what my Imagination created. Several years back i stopped trying. i had one overall, vague plan then. Graduate, go to college for zoological sciences, become an animal Conservationist. that was the go to answer, the life plan. for a while i had a impassioned plan- Die as soon as possible and screw the rest. that sort of Dampened the graduation thing. the newest development was Italy. for almost a year now it has been in the works. after graduation, before college, on my own. that was the idea. an Idea i loved, sought, and pushed for, but fed no Hope. then it became more Real when my parents made a Deal with me. full-time private school for a couple touristy weeks with them in Italy as a graduation gift. if i wanted to stay i would have to find a program or group to join. since then i have been Looking for that way to Stay. i have found Nothing. now my mother is talking college, paying very little mind to all the times i said i wanted to take a year to Figure some Things out first. Italy is becoming another paper thin plan, growing hazy on the horizon as it gets closer, rather than growing Clearer. my plan was never a plan. it was and is an Idea. and sad to say, it may Always be so.